Tomorrow’s the big day, at least according to Natalie’s OB doctor’s estimation for our target due date — and as has been the testimony of friends and co-workers, we can expect that Lily will be arriving on or after our due date. Up until now, she’s just been playing mind games with us with the occasional Braxton-Hix sensations.

The bags are packed, cameras ready to go, and our hearts ever eager to meet our little girl. It’s a strange relationship that you hold with your baby from the outside world through a wall of skin, tissue, and waters. She moves quite a bit, letting us feel an elbow, a foot, and sometimes her little bottom pressed up against mom’s belly. You develop these “blind” feelings of absolute love and adoration, and are absolutely transfixed with this mystery brewing inside the one you love — it’s quite amazing. I am pretty sure that I’ll be a blubbering mess when Lily is born, teary-eyed and fighting with Natalie for tummy time with Lily.

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Filed under: Family, Fatherhood, General, Orthodoxy
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It’s hard to believe that October has come and gone already, that election day is nearly here, and before long we’ll be talking turkey and Christmas celebrations, and making further preparations to welcome our baby into the world this April with gender in mind. Busy times ahead for sure.

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Filed under: Awareness, Family, General, Orthodoxy, Politics
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This morning I was officially prayed for and introduced as a catechumen (learner) of the Orthodox Church; and it was quite a moving experience for me. For some time I have known that God has been leading me in this direction, leading me towards the roots of our faith and back into communion with His Church. And as Father Tom was praying for me and blessing me into the process of becoming in communion with God and His Church, tears welled up in my eyes because I knew that I finally felt like I was “coming home” to where I felt I belonged.

It was an all-around good morning for me. In addition, I had a few questions answered today regarding contemporary expressions of Orthodoxy in the arts. I’m thankful that for once, I feel like I’m at least walking in the right direction with some sense of purpose or vision.

Filed under: Orthodoxy
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As mentioned in a previous post, I am taking the first steps towards becoming a member of the Orthodox Christian Church; a completely departure from my past expressions of faith which have included Lutheranism (ELCA and independent Lutheran “Renewal”), “Word Faith” brand of non-denominationalism, baptist, and your run-of-the-mill non-denominational charismatic evangelical church.

Well apparently I’m not the only one that is making this journey to the roots of our faith. My friend Jamison is going Roman Catholic, and two others that I know (through Jamison) are also exploring or becoming members of the Orthodox Church. So instead of just blogging about my Orthodox experience here, we’re going to do it in a community/forum style over at The Hitchhiker’s Guide. The Hitchhiker’s Guide used to be a webzine on life and Christian spirituality that Jamison and me used to run years ago.

So we’ve dusted off hitchhikersguide.org and it has a new purpose now. If you’re interested in Orthodoxy or Roman Catholicism, I’d encourage you to check it out and follow our own respective journeys along the way.

Filed under: Orthodoxy, Spirituality, Websites
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As of late, my desire to pursue the roots of our faith, Orthodoxy, has grown quite substantially — even if I don’t fully understand it yet nor know of all of the practices involved in living that way. But after the numerous things I’ve read, the podcasts I’ve listened to, and the few that I have spoken with, I feel I am ready to start the path towards becoming a member of the Orthodox Christian Church.

Last Sunday was the first time I’ve been back to Saint George in some time, and today upon my second time back in nearly a half a year, they were announcing new catechumens and the start of their introduction to Orthodoxy class coming this Saturday. It’s hard to describe the feeling inside, but it was a combination of excitement, urgency, and hunger that drove me to ask Father Tom about attending the class and being added to the list of catechumens that will begin the road to Orthodox Christianity.

For me, this isn’t another phase of my life or a passing fad, but a deep-seated conviction about where I feel God is leading me. I have no idea how long the process is from going from catechumen, to communicant, to full-fledged member — but it finally feels like I’m getting closer to answers to questions I’ve long had, and finding peace for the discontentment and hunger that’s been consuming me.

I’ll be sure to log my journey along the way.

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I think that I have outdone myself with perhaps the longest entries that I’ve ever entered into my blog — but when you’re reflecting on over thirty years of personal music history, you ought not expect a short essay. But I promise that this will be the last part of this three-part series.

It was such a simple thing that really sparked this whole reflection, seeing my music out on last.fm and wondering why it is that I just cannot seem to pick up my guitar these days or pour myself into creating new music in GarageBand. The reality is, I’ve been thinking about this for the past few months and just have not nearly the same enthusiasm or drive to create new music like I have over a year ago.

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Filed under: General, Music, Orthodoxy, Performance, Recording, Spirituality
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One thing that has been certain as I move slowly away from my Evangelical™ past and towards an Orthodox world view, many of the things I have once believed are being put to the test, refined, and sometimes altogether discarded. These days, my perceptions of salvation are under fire and are undergoing radical transformation.

I had once been taught and believed, that salvation came to you (and stuck around for good) when you pray “the prayer,” asking Jesus to come into your life, to be your Lord and Savior, and asking for the forgiveness of sins. Transaction done, now just go to church and be a good Christian, tithing your 10%, and participate in church programs, etc.

I also recall dozens of times throughout my days as a charismatic evangelical, wondering about my salvation, and wondering if I was really going to “go to heaven” and wondering if I was truly forgiven and “saved” as they’d call it. I was commonly reassured of my salvation and told not to worry about it, saying in essence, the deed was done. Or, “it is finished,” to put a verse out of context.

But now looking back, I can see those concerns as being valid promptings of my spirit or my heart, which may have been put there by design. As I learn more about the Orthodox way, I see that salvation is not a one-time transaction in the front of the church for all to see, but a life-long journey [that may begin at that altar] that must be maintained and worked into your life with fear and trembling. These days, being outside of the Orthodox Church and still trying to find my way, I’d say there’s plenty of fear and trembling to go around, as I look to God to lead me back to a way of faith, being right by Him, and learning to love and forgive as He actively does.

Two pieces of the Lord’s Prayer come to mind: “on earth as it is in heaven” and “forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us” after having listened to a recent podcast [mp3 file] from Fr. Stephen. He had some very interesting things to say about time, especially as it relates to forgiveness:

The act of forgiveness is a true eschatological triumph. Trapped in history, modern man sees no way forward but to fight for domination. “To the victor goes the spoils,” he says. “Forgiveness is weakness and a good way to lose tomorrow, what we gained today.”

However, in radical obedience to the Gospel of Christ, Christians behave in an eschatological manner. We forgive our enemies because we have already seen the outcome of history in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. And thus, we do not need to force the behavior of our enemies in order to create a desired outcome.

In the light of Christ’s triumph, we may forgive those who hurt us, because we know of the forgiveness that is and will be ours. The forgiveness of enemies is a proclamation of the victory of Christ, both now and forever. The resurrection itself is the great sign of our forgiveness. Having obtained death as the outcome of our disobedience, we obtain the forgiveness of death in our resurrection.

In a thousand ways which the life of the church is made manifest in this world, it shows not a linear progression through history, but an in-breaking of the Kingdom. The Kingdom is never something we work for to build up. The Kingdom is always something that breaks in on us. You cannot stop the coming of the Kingdom.

As I contemplate working out my salvation and entering into the journey towards becoming saved and resurrected someday, I see that forgiveness is both an act (or discipline) that helps work out that salvation, AND is also a fruit or bi-product of being on that road.

Orthodoxy seems to teach about this notion of time not as being a linear thing, but that because God transcends time, we are able to participate both in the here and now and in the future. We participate in the here and now by actively loving and forgiving and living as Christ commands (or doing our best to, anyway) and participating in the future by looking to the resurrection for encouragement, hope, and guidance. Jesus has already defeated death and made provision for redemption for those that would follow Him, and because of that, we have freedom to forgive and not hold any grudges or grievances, because as we forgive others, Christ will forgive and already has forgiven us.

What is drastically different about this way of thinking from how I used to live, is that I am a steward of the hope of salvation that is being offered to me, and that it requires me to lay down my own life and desires, follow Christ, and work that salvation out and into my life in all areas. As a Westerner, it’s easy to compartmentalize my life, segregating everything into pieces of my life — even on a linear time scale (e.g., “well, that was yesterday” or “well, that’s down the road”) — and to make everything just a transaction. But what is so different, is that salvation is a journey, and one that requires me to pay attention to the road, where I’m walking, and being careful not to wander away from the leading of Christ. For unlike how Western Christianity seems to be taught in many circles, salvation is something that can be “lost” — or probably more accurately, we can so easily become lost and wander away from the road towards salvation. I think the latter of the two seems more accurate.

At any rate, I still feel I have a long way to go — in understanding, in knowledge, and in walking out this life — I am still very much “me” and my own keeper, and am all-too-accustomed to just doing things my way. So mustering up the discipline to attend Sunday mornings at St. George Antioch Orthodox Church, bring my life more in conformity to the way of Christ, and weaning myself off the ways of being an ordinary human, is going to take some time and will certainly be a road of refinement for me. For unlike how Western Christianity teaches, and as Fr. Stephen presents in this podcast on getting saved in the church [mp3 file], salvation is not an instantaneous thing and requires time.

Anyway, it’s been a lot to think about, and only scratches the surface of all the changes that are occurring inside my mind, my thinking, and my world view. Perhaps sometime next week I’ll share a bit more about some of the other beginnings of transformations that are taking place.

Filed under: Orthodoxy, Spirituality
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Finding my place spiritually has been a big issue for me over the past few years, searching for the “true north” of my soul and finding how to both incorporate that into my life and conforming my life to it. (more…)

Filed under: Awareness, Orthodoxy, Spirituality
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It was definitely a strange Sunday. I slept in with Natalie until around 11:45 and just had to get up at that point — she still slept on from her long night shift. I got up for awhile, but then a killer headache, nausea, and small fever came on and rendered me useless for nearly five hours or so — even haven taken four Excedrin. But by about 8:00 I was feeling a bit better (and doped up with caffeine from the Excedrin).

Armed with a donation of new instruments from a good friend, I decided to spend a little time with GarageBand this evening and try out some of the instruments. And because I don’t have the capacity to put an expression pedal on my cheap-bought-off-craigslist-for-$25-Yamaha keyboard, I know that some of the instruments are invariably going to be difficult to play without them sounding like they came from a keyboard. But I digress.

I am a sucker for emotional [I can't believe it, but I almost typed "e-motional"... I think I should trademark that.], orchestral tunes, especially when you bring in the organ for dramatic effect. It really has a way of lifting up my spirits sometimes — inspirational.

So I started out with GarageBand’s Orchestral Romantic Organ and slowly built on various instruments to build some different colors along the way. Download tonight’s little experiment. (5.5 MB, 3:58, 192 kbps)

With the tune I developed this evening, it’s lit a flame inside to try and assemble the liturgically-influenced album I’ve been thinking about inside. I’m not sure if it will be an instrumental or with words (I’m leaning towards a little bit of both in it), but since I’m not really tied into any church at the moment (and am a bit “hungry” from my isolation from the Orthodox), so this may be my temporary means of communing with God — through writing a few songs of inspiration and reflection in remembrance of Him.

Which this leads to a whole different topic that I wrestle with.

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Filed under: Music, Orthodoxy, Recording, Spirituality
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This day has sure turned out to be a thoroughly uninspiring, miserable day. After sleeping 12 hours last night [I literally fell asleep at 5:30 pm, got up once or twice to get water or whatever, and woke up around 5:15 am and went to work at 6], my day was pretty well decided for me. It was busy, wall to wall meetings and some uninspiring moments where I had to create things for others, and went home around 2:15 or so…no lunch break, no real time to take any photos, and came home exhausted and feeling defeated.

Of course it didn’t stop there; after watching a movie (to try and unwind from the day), I messed up the burgers on the grill—they were on for 25 minutes at medium heat and were VERY pink in the middle. So I threw them back on at HIGH for ten minutes and they were charred and rendered inedible. Not a great way to begin the wrap up of my day. It only made me feel worse about myself and impacted my feelings, that I just can’t get much right today and most things in my life are essentially being either decided for me or I have no reasonable say in the matter. Of course I have a choice—you always have a choice—but the choices I’d like to make just aren’t reasonable or rational.

I could go on, but I’d rather not my employer (current or prospective) reading about just how uninspired I feel.

In today’s Photo-A-Day, I just didn’t have the time to explore and take interesting exposures. I know that it’s not the end of the world and there’ll always be days like that—but this has become an important part of finding out how to express myself, to create (anything other than a friggin website), and to get some semblance of positive feedback to push me further along.

Creating nice-looking websites just doesn’t compel me like it used to. A friend of mine compared his job to being a janitor for his workplace network—cleaning up after all the network issues that come up. I feel that I’m creating things that: a) are highly subjective as to what’s “good”, b) don’t really matter all that much [as long as you can easily find the information, what difference does it make if it's nice-looking or not?], and c) I feel there are more important things in life that I could be doing and I feel like my life (and the potential of it) is just passing me by.

My lovely and supportive wife and I have had talks about this, and she knows how important it is for me as a creative-type, to feel fulfilled in what I do, get lots of positive reinforcement, and to be doing something that matters. In the end, will it really matter that I’ve built nice-looking websites? Probably not. I just feel there’s something more than the mundane—and at the moment it seems beyond my grasp. I know better than to think that going into photography as a career will not fix this problem; and I guess I haven’t quite yet figured out what is.

I’m also on this journey into Orthodoxy, exploring the roots of a faith that used to be strong and was central in my life. I’ve dealt with a dying faith, isolation from all-things-Church, and trying to somehow reconnect with the Creator in what I view as my last real hope of doing so—the Orthodox church. Of course I know the organization itself—and all organizations for that matter—is flawed and is imperfect. But in comparison with my disheartening experience (over the course of a decade or so) with the evangelical/protestant church, the Orthodox church has some distinct up-sides to what they believe and practice. And some of those things really appeal to me these days.

Anyway, I’m really tired and need to head to bed. It’s been a long and tiring day and need to get some rest. I hope tomorrow has some good things in store for me—today was just a bear.

Filed under: Awareness, General, Orthodoxy, Photography, Spirituality
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