the various thoughts, reflections & perspectives of michael tangen

October 21, 2007

Sunday evening with garageband and God

It was definitely a strange Sunday. I slept in with Natalie until around 11:45 and just had to get up at that point — she still slept on from her long night shift. I got up for awhile, but then a killer headache, nausea, and small fever came on and rendered me useless for nearly five hours or so — even haven taken four Excedrin. But by about 8:00 I was feeling a bit better (and doped up with caffeine from the Excedrin).

Armed with a donation of new instruments from a good friend, I decided to spend a little time with GarageBand this evening and try out some of the instruments. And because I don’t have the capacity to put an expression pedal on my cheap-bought-off-craigslist-for-$25-Yamaha keyboard, I know that some of the instruments are invariably going to be difficult to play without them sounding like they came from a keyboard. But I digress.

I am a sucker for emotional [I can't believe it, but I almost typed "e-motional"... I think I should trademark that.], orchestral tunes, especially when you bring in the organ for dramatic effect. It really has a way of lifting up my spirits sometimes — inspirational.

So I started out with GarageBand’s Orchestral Romantic Organ and slowly built on various instruments to build some different colors along the way. Download tonight’s little experiment. (5.5 MB, 3:58, 192 kbps)

With the tune I developed this evening, it’s lit a flame inside to try and assemble the liturgically-influenced album I’ve been thinking about inside. I’m not sure if it will be an instrumental or with words (I’m leaning towards a little bit of both in it), but since I’m not really tied into any church at the moment (and am a bit “hungry” from my isolation from the Orthodox), so this may be my temporary means of communing with God — through writing a few songs of inspiration and reflection in remembrance of Him.

Which this leads to a whole different topic that I wrestle with.

It’s no secret that I’ve come to detest the evangelical church of the West — loathing the way it has been “in bed” with American politic(ian)s, embarrassed about how it has presented itself to our culture, and desperately hungry for deep, honest fellowship in a program-driven church culture, that instead of looking to Church history for some of the answers to our questions, they look to the latest book or the latest craze to come out of Western Christiandom.

It’s made me sad, desperate for fellowship, and in some ways I feel lost, wondering about the “security” of my salvation and where God and I stand with no Church to call home — particularly when I don’t want much to do with it at the moment. I wonder sometimes if he still looks on me with fondness, like I remember Him doing so when I was giving 20-30+ hours a week for His sake in the Church — especially when I honestly have no desire to return to that kind of life… living to propagate a program, a service, or a way of doing things. I’m becoming more and more hungry to find the heart of where God is, what he desires of me, and to do just that to my very best, knowing that I’m doing it for Him, and Him alone.

I have a lot of interests these days, a lot of things that I fill my time with — photography, the band, my own music, work, play, time with family — but one thing is clear: I haven’t the faintest idea what God has for me or would like from me (of my talent/time), and I have pretty much set Him aside, hoping that some day it’d just fix itself or would become better.

It’s not, and something has to change.

So for now I will start with what I know and hope God will enlighten me, send the right people in my path, and start creating music for Him, and Him alone. It’s what I know, and I hope and pray that God is gracious and merciful enough to become more obvious in my life and lead me to a place of favor, righteousness, and deep communion with Him. That, I believe, is what my heart really yearns for most — even when I’m not willing to admit it, brushing it off with statements of what I would like to do with my life or my time. Tonight’s offering, may it be sweet in His eyes and to His ears — even if it sounds like it came from a keyboard and not a real orchestra.