Who would have thought I could experience the genesis of so much change and so quickly—and within a two-day period. Last of all, it would have been me. I’ve come to expect a gratifying amount of mediocrity in my life and a pacifying amount of apathy—enough to keep me sedated day-to-day, just going through the motions.

I woke up early Thursday morning in a stupor, fumbling into the shower and making a valiant effort to be on time to a class I didn’t want to attend—a class I thought I didn’t need. But I managed to get out the door at 7:45, made my way to Caribou to grab my small skim mocha, extra, extra, extra hot with an extra shot of espresso; fuel for the morning.

Not only did I make it on time, I was early and anticipating a wasted day, thinking about all the things I’d rather be spending my time on. See working within state government (or any government-related job for that matter), people have come to expect mediocrity at best. Presentations and workshops are usually novice-like at best and are enough to dull your senses into La La Land—between half-assed PowerPoint presentations, needless forty-page handouts, and maybe a plate of fattening treats either store-bought and ready to expire or baked the night before from a box mix, but somehow still managing to fudge something up along the way. Don’t get me wrong, they’re people with good intentions, but excellence and state government aren’t typically synonymous.

So yes, I walked into the class with the attitude, “there’s nothing you can teach me that I don’t already know. Now where’s the sign-up sheet so I can write my name down and tactfully leave during the first break; maybe telling the instructor I was called into work to put out a fire of some sort.” I couldn’t have been more wrong when I sat down, reviewed the respectable-looking handouts and resources in front of me, and casually carried on a conversation with the well-spoken instructor while people slowly filed in.

The subject matter and the information he presented was engaging and I actually learned new things as well as reinforce what I have been doing right all along. I was also equipped with great resources, tools, and information that I was actually excited about using—and would commit to doing so.

Uh, excuse me. What’s happening to me?

In fact the class was so good, I left feeling invigorated and fueled to make some positive changes in my life—at least with regard to my writing and proof-reading skills.

For starters, I haven’t touched (much less finish) a book since, oh, the mid-nineties. But at one point early in the class, he explained how much your writing can dramatically improve when you read books more often. He went on to say, “show me an active book reader and I’ll show you a person who is usually a good writer, too.” While my wife is the exception in this case (she doesn’t write very well but reads lots of books), I believed him and decided that I need to overcome my own personal obstacles with reading—my apathy about reading, my short attention span, and my schedule, which doesn’t make much room for reading more than a few blog entries a week. I decided to make a change: today would be the day I would start reading books again.

Based upon the recommendations of the instructor and a friend or two, I decided to start with the Harry Potter series. My wife’s been wanting to read the books and I’ve had a mild interest in seeing a few of the movies, so I thought I would buy the first few books and take it from there. I’ve heard only good things about the author’s writing style and how she engages the reader right away—an important thing for me if I’m going to read at all.

So far I’ve read through half of the first book within two days, a pretty dramatic feat for me; and I’m actually thoroughly enjoying the book. I’ve found myself picking up it up again when I’ve already said to myself I’d put the book away for the evening. That says something about author J.K. Rowling.

My desire to change didn’t stop at reading books either. I committed to improving my writing skills, too—but in order to accomplish that I had to set some goals. And the only way I was ever going to accomplish this vague goal of improving my writing skills, was to actually set a schedule to follow through in various ways. For instance, I’ve decided on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I would spend the first fifteen minutes at work reading through the University of Minnesota Style Guide, a highly condensed version of the Chicago Manual of Style. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I’ll review the handouts and materials the instructor gave us and continue to broaden my writing and proof-reading skills.

As I was setting these short-term steps to reach my goals, I decided that I might benefit from doing that in a few other areas of my life, too. Before long, I had planned out my whole next week around my goals and important tasks for the week—both work-related and personal. For the first time in a very, very long time, I felt organized and that my life was filled with a bit more direction and purpose.

I mentioned my past two days were filled with change—why stop at filling my calendar up (and actually using it)? I finally got around to getting a membership at the YMCA for my wife and I. We both know that we need and want this; now was the time to act on that need.

So this morning I got up extra early and made my way down to the YMCA and stepped onto the scale before starting my workout. I slid the heavy, fifty-pound markers over. Fifty. One hundred. One hundred-fifty. Hoping I could stop there and keep the total under two bills, my hopes were dashed by the results. I had reached two hundred pounds. Thankfully I’m not a pound over, but that wasn’t consoling at all. I’m in the worst shape of my life.

I should be down near one-sixty, my ideal weight; but with a desk job and an inactive personal life I don’t get much exercise at all. In fact, I’ve become far too lethargic and lazy—the picture of what we’ve come to expect of your average overweight American.

But all of that is going to change. I think I’ve had enough of sitting back and watching my life happen—lazy, apathetic, and disengaged from my life. Somewhere along the line I stopped caring about myself, and that low self-worth has affected me in more ways than one. It’s affected me mentally, spiritually, physically, and socially.

Admittedly part of this self-loathing behavior stems from baggage I acquired through horrid theology and spiritual “principles” I acquired from people along various times in my life. But who am I fooling? I know the real person to blame is me. It was me that decided to just coast through life with an attitude of apathy. It was me who never made exercise a priority and slipped from a healthy one-sixty to two-bills. And it was me who decided to take the low road to making my life worth living—forsaking the will to learn, grow, and care about the choices I make for myself.

So like I’ve been reinforcing in my band’s vision statement, change begins with me. I must be the change I want to see in the world (Gandhi). In this case, mine. And I think I may be off to a good start to an improved, healthier, and more balanced me.

We’ll see how this all plays out in the weeks to come, but I’m pretty certain that some of these changes will stick. In fact, I intend to actually do something I haven’t been too good at in the past—following through.

January 13, 2007, 12:53 am

Filed under: Awareness, General

1 Comment »

1. greyfence said,

   January 14, 2007 @ 1:00 am

   Amen brother! Me too.
   I don’t have time for the gym… sucks… I spend 2 hours sitting in a car commuting and another 8-10 hours sitting at a desk.
   I’ve gone on super ultra mega diet. Lost around 6lbs this week. We’ll see how it goes. I my need you to do some ass whoopin’ motivation in a few weeks when I want to eat crap again.
   Sounds like you are ready to take the world by the balls. That’s awesome.

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